it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
