he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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