guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
