There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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