just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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