I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
