two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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