your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
