I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
