Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
