$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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