yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
