I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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