Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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