I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
