There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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