i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
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