I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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