ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
