Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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