I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
