walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
