He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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