Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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