She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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