Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
