Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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