I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
