His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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