Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
