Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
