Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
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