Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
