I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
