I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize