i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
