Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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