): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
