I am spending my child support on dildos
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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