Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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