i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
