Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
