i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize