I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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