I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
