Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
