There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
