I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
