I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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