you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
