I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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