just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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