There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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