I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Girls should come with a carfax report
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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