hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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