it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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