my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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