im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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