I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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