Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
