everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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