just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
