Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
i think my cat just said my name.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
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